And I feel as if I can sleep on a more practical schedule without the aid of Bennadryl or NyQuil. It's a nice feeling, practicality.
Before I go an inch further, I want to put this here link up! These are pictures from the Halloween Party I went to Saturday. With that done, I will now continue forward with the day's entry.
I saw The Usual Suspects for the first time today. I sat there entertained, baffled, and awestruck. You have to understand the big surprise was revealed to me in the day's assigned readings but my mind fought and struggled against the reality. It craved the "proper" situation. Not that justice should've been served because I am a cheerleader for movie bad guys, but I just had a hard time accepting the reality of the movie. If I sound vague it is because I fear some poor person who's never seen the movie will stumble across this entry and I will sadly destroy one of the best movies I have ever seen. This is a movie I could not have accepted as a book. And that my friends, is my highest compliment to a movie.
I also finished reading D.H. Lawrence's St. Mawr and it was yet another letdown in that horrible Brit lit class I am taking. I used to think perhaps a survey in British literature would be MUCH more favorable to one in American Literature (just think of all the silly war and frontier stories) and now I find myself despaired with both.
I was musing on my walk to my car today and I figure I'll note it down as I have no idea how much longer these types of musings will go on for. See, lately I have had this incredible urge at times to just let my legs give way and suddenly collapse to the floor. It's not cause I feel physically ill because I don't. And I think the only reason I don't do such a thing is because 1) Falling on pavement sounds quite painful to me and 2) I don't want to cause a spectacle. So I know I don't have these urges for attention because attention is one of the main reasons I don't do such a silly thing. And I can only imagine why I feel like doing such a stupid thing. Mostly, it's because I find myself to be quite tired with everything lately.
It is as if I am on a road and walking and walking somewhere but it seems too far. Once, there was a time where I believed in the point of no return. These days, I just don't see it. Not in my life at least. Sure I have plans and I have things I would like to do but nothing major and nothing that really requires special drive from me. And yes, I want a degree and I want that degree to be a Bachelor of Arts and Sciences in English. And I know that at the end of this semester, such a degree will be only 54 credits away. I want the degree because finding a well paying job without a degree has been an imposing task. Plus, the 15 current credits and the future 54 credits tell me I will have something to keep my mind busy with for a short while. But, what do I want the degree for? A Master's seems to be the logical next step, but in order for that to happen, I need to select a Master's Degree of interest to me and for that to happen, shouldn't I at least select a career?
I excused myself from assigning myself to any career for now on the assumption a Bachelor's doesn't really matter but you do need it for the master's which does make a difference. But the end is closer than I perceived it to be and now...
And is it possible I just might find myself to be happy as a college professor? Forget my dreams of Vogue magazine or anything high paying and enviable. I'll just mouse my way through life, in front of students divided on their feelings towards me and my subject matter and all that comes with a college atmosphere. Bah humbug.
A friend of mine seems to be quite in the dumps as of late, and I believe many of my friends are being quite intolerant of her moods lately. And I find myself like Switzerland. Because she herself is not one to enjoy listening to the heartaches and miseries of others but she enjoys spreading her tales around. The more I think of it, I believe many of my friends are like that. I don't know if I am all the time, but I know I have my moments. To hear my friends talk about each other, some times I wonder if maybe they aren't all talking about the same person... And I don't mean this with any negativity or any judgement or anything because really all I am doing is thinking things through, munching on my mental curd. (I do sound preachy and condescending don't I? It's not supposed to come off that way, I tell you!) And I have a feeling hormones are really a strong drive behind it all, but my friends always seem to be competing for the "Hard Life" Award, when really, if you just step back and look at it all you realize they all have wonderful lives filled with hard moments, and no wonder the grass is always greener...
Quite honestly, I am not sure one person is really better off than the other. I don't think there is any one person in my group of friends who really has it bad or who really has it good. There are always things on the exterior and it is at many times easy to judge because of the exterior- especially if it is especially shiny or especially dull. But you see, I have come to learn very vividly that exteriors often times have very little to do with the interior. And it is because I cannot slip into the skins of any one of my friends at any given moment, I really cannot make any assertions. There are people in this world who on the outside seem as if everything is going in their favor and if you do get a peek to the inside, you see it really isn't the case at all. But the flipside occurs in life as well and there are those people who by all outside appearances appear to have nothing going their way and yet on the inside...
Do you see where I am going? I really hope I haven't offended anyone I know although I don't really think anyone actually reads my diary. I really do feel quite neutrally about myself, my friends, and even my enemies. I think exteriors often give people (mysely included) motives for bitter behavior and language but in the end, it really is the same for everyone and everyone really does just die. Or goes dormant according to scientists. But it's the same for everyone, you know? And because it really is just the same, comparisons seem so trite.
And I know I don't practice what I preach all the time. I know it for a fact! Because there is something built into the vast majority of humans. Don't you notice in many religions of the world and of the ages, suffering in some sort leads to salvation? From the beginning of time it seems, we've been conditioned to believe achievement can only come after suffering. And so we are this world of laborers and sufferers and competitors and rarely are we celebrators.
And you know it's a sad state of affairs all around really. It's just everywhere like a dingy smoggy mist hanging around our hearts and our minds that triggers bad things when elation comes into play.
NOTE: This is not my bitching about anything. It really is just hormonally driven observations and thoughts and words strung together to give myself some sort of peace, some sort of connector. Just look back at my other stuff and you'll see I never write this way.
It simply must be the PMS...
