First of all, I am in this metnal stage where I really want to disappear. I don't want to not exist anymore, I just want to wrap myself up in my little nuclear family. I want to find an apartment up by where my fiancee works. He will be happier going nad coming from work and many people will think twice about dropping in on us. But I don't want to be so far from everyone- just a good amount of people. Which is so mean and cruel because for the most part, everyone's been very nice and supportive.
I made an observation the other day on, of all things, bookcases. Inanimate objects speak to me- what can I say? Anyways. I think I have realized there are many types of bookcases and the way they are kept. I have decided I do not like dusty bookshelves. I do not like perfectly straight and neat bookshelves either. Nor do I like bookshelves where the books are pushed as far back as possible and are obscured by random junk. I think what I like are the messy ones. I like books to be on the floor around the bookcase. I like for the books to be leaning over precariously. I like for some to be pushed out and others to be pushed in. In other words, I like bookshelves whose books get used a lot. I like cracked spines. And I prefer for there to be no dust not because someone wipes them down with care but because they don't stand still long enough to collect much dust. The whole things goes with my adoring cracked leather seats where there are books. Borges said, I cannot sleep unless I am surrounded by books." I think for me it would be better to say, "I cannot sleep if I am surrounded by books." I think I would want to read everything.
I have been embroidering a design onto the baby's blanket. It's taking me a while and that has me frustrated with myself. I've just been lazy and neglectful of the blanket. But I am eager to get it done and see it once my grandmother sews on the pretty lace border.
I am scared of where J, Boo, and I will end up. I don't think the mortgage will be feasible. And the price of renting is going up quite frighteningly. I don't want to dwell on that kind of stuff.
School is finally coming to an end. I am really really grateful. I found out last week I made Dean's List last semester. So far, I am doing really well in my classes so I think I will do well this semester as well. I want to join the English Honor Society. And I think I might be eligible for scholarships. The problem is, I have to take a break from school this fall. My mother is really upset about this but it's the truth. I want to stay home and take care of my child. I can take maybe a class, but not go full time. Maybe I can take two classes? I don't know what to do. The future seems very very foggy.
