2004-12-07 - 339a.m. : What White Christmas?
I think today I might pull as close as I can to an all-nighter. I just am so behind in school with no motivation to do anything. So if I force myself into a situation I can't weasel out of, I just might have a chance. Except I'm really really really tired. And I have to write a paper on Romanticism. And romantic poetry puts my ass to sleep like nothing else can except maybe a glass of wine. I don't understand why I put myself in these situations over and over and over again. I can't understand it. The fact is, I can't go to sleep. I just can't! My paper is late. I have the first half of the final tomorrow and I haven't even done most of the readings I should do. And all I can really muster up the energy to do about it is bitch and complain. I am just in ultimate slacker mode lately. I am so annoyed. I feel like I am at conflict with myself 90% of the day- chiding myself about something and ignoring myself at the same time. A woman's ability to multi-task can be quite a hinderance.
In other news, I won't be going to NJ for Christmas after all. J's uncle is just way too sick mentally and his aunt doesn't think it's a good idea. Honestly, I agree. The fact is, things were on pins and needles at the graduation we went to and at least there, we had the luxury of separate hotel rooms and in j's and my case (thanks to my uber crafty planning) we were even on separate floors. But there was no hiding the horrible stuff that was going on. So much of that trip had me dying to come home.
I don't like going on trips with my in-laws. Our travel styles don't mix well and I just feel stressed out the entire time. It's not because of anything problematic or anything, it's mostly just a conflict of interests or something. I just like to do things differently. So, if you start with my being uncomfortable because I'm travelling with my in-laws, then you add that I'd be on a plane with a 16 month old hyper child, and then you add that'd we all be staying in one house with a person who's not very mentally stable and at death's door, and then you throw that it's Christmas and I'm not with my family on the very top, and sprinkle the fact that it will be FUCKING FREEZING, I'm sure you see what I see- a recipe for a complete breakdown on my behalf. I don't want to have a Christmas breakdown. So, I am really really glad we're not going. I'm not glad because of the reason. I know J is really sad about his uncle's condition. I can only imagine his mother, father, and sister are feeling the same way. So because of that, I really do feel bad. But in the end, I think we're all better off.
I was also getting really down about the fact that M wouldn't be spending Christmas here. I wanted him to wake up on Christmas morning and find all Santa had left him. We can't take those huge hunkering toys up to NJ with us. And then back down again. So, right there things got sucky. And they have their own Christmas Eve/ Christmas Morning traditions. I'm a sentimental moron. I wanted to establish our own Christmas Eve/ Christmas Morning traditions. I didn't want to wait until next year.
I'm afraid I'm coming off as whiny. It seems to be my preferred tone of voice these days. Whine and cheese. If I'm not whining, I'm being ultra cheesy.
It's the holidays. I'm telling you. The holidays really mess people up. See because while you're all celebrating togetherness and family and traditions and blahblhahblah, you're forced to recognize the gaps that co-exist. You feel the absence of a loved one much stronger this time of year. You wonder about friendships of long ago. And me personally, I just always look at myself and am not sure what to think. I figure if I'm more grateful than I was the last year, that's a good sign. And this year, after taking everything into consideration, yes I am more grateful than I was last year. I have a lot more to be happy about. I think.
0 of you have had really deep thoughts
last * next
Waiting 4 Sadie - 2006-05-30
Do Over - 2006-05-02
An end and a beginning - 2006-04-22
Brain Bun - 2006-04-11
What Dreams May Come - 2006-04-04



The American Red Cross