2004-12-08 - 2:21 a.m. : Do NOT bite this fruit- really, DON'T
No I didn't pull the all nighter- I went to bed at 4 in the morning. No I did not write my paper. No I did not go to my Shakespeare class this morning. Yes I did go to my Romanticism class and take part one of my final. No I haven't finished reading Paradise Lost. No I haven't finished writing that paper which, yes I know, is due tomorrow. No I haven't started writing the Shakespeare paper which, yes I know, is due on Thursday- with the Romanticism paper that is already late. So it looks like all three of my final papers will be late. Isn't that wonderful? I'm amazing. Ow ok I just yawned and got a stabbing pain in my neck and back. I need to finish Paradise Lost. If I have any chance at all of getting myself somewhat close to a finish in the work I have left, I have to finish reading it so that I can focus on Shakespeare this week but still write the paper on milton and be prepared for its final on Monday. [Oh god that hurts. What did I do to myself?] I figured out the Romanticism paper. I know what I'm going to do. Now I just need to do it for Thursday. The shakespeare paper will have to be late. But at least I have an idea what I want to do unlike the Milton paper. Milton is interesting and everything, but he's just WAY too protestant. It's a quarter to two. I wonder what I can get done by 5? 4? Tomorrow is the flamenco final for which I have to go in full costume hair and makeup. Which means I'll need to give myself time for all of that. But the class IS at two and M's going to be up at 10 regardless of what time I go to bed or I have to be at class. Decisions. If I drink a cup of coffee now will I be too wired in two hours? Should I have a coke instead? DOES ANYONE KNOW THE CAFFEINE LEVELS I'M DEALING WITH HERE?

Ok that whole mess- that's a peek into my brain right now. Excuse me for just one second, I'm going to get a coke.

How to make me happy:
1) get one tall drinking glass (i prefer the thicker glass instead of the thin glass but you do with what you have)

2) get three-four ice cubes no more no less because it throws off the proportions.

3) get ice cold coke can from fridge.

4) pop open.

5) pour over ice cubes.

6) serve glass with can holding leftover coke (there should always be some leftover coke if using 3-4 ice cubes unless you're using a monstrous sized drinking glass or teeny tiny cubes).

Oh fizzy goodness.

M said Ah uh Oooh today. That means I love you, DUH. He'd said it before but it never stuck. Today he said it over and over again. And I got all happy every single time.

I got turned down for lovin today. And I went in just before one in the morning so he wouldn't complain but he complained anyways. Whatever. Just let me get back to Plushie tycoon a lot sooner is all.

I wish this diary of mine was more introspective more of the time. I don't know, but I feel like I'm catching the more mundane things and not the meat. On the other hand, I am amused reading my old entries. The ones that totally freaked me out and the most, and still do when I read them, are the ones from when I was pregnant and yet I didn't know it. My subconscious sure knew and boy did it drop hints left and right.

I bought many many gift bags and tissue paper and raffia filling and three rolls of wrapping paper and some bows and some shiny ribbon and gift tags and then I had to put it away. I want to take it out and play with it and put Christmas gifts into bags and tape paper around boxes and put them under my tree. But I'm forcing myself to wait until after school is done. Which is sad because I just waste time doing other things that aren't productive at all like the wrapping of presents would be.

Though nothing can bring back the hour
Of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower;
We will grieve not, rather find Strength in what remains behind;

-William Wordsworth

For the record I am not a Wordsworth fan. My favorite poet from this semester's romantics has been Coleridge. But I love that stanza. I think, maybe, I would like it as my epitaph. Not because I'm trying to say I'm splendid but just because that's what I believe the truth is about death. You have to find strength in what remains behind. I don't know why I'm here on this topic. Like I said yesterday, I believe the holidays- as happy and a joyful time as they are marketed to be, can be very sad and can bring to light the most glaring omissions in our lives. Not to mention, it seems everyone lately around me seems to be in someway connected to death and illness- not that my family is sick or my friends but everyone knows someone that is.
I have to say, that I have been very fortunate in my life and right now I am going to knock on my wooden desk very very hard- ow. Ok. I have been pretty much shielded from death and separation. I have been SO VERY LUCKY AND GRATEFUL FOR THIS! The closest death to me I have had to deal with so far was that of my grandfather a few years ago. And it was so very very hard to deal with. I am not going to start on what would happen to me if so and so died and whatnot because I'll just start to cry and really I do need to read Paradise Lost. BUT I never had the friend who was killed in an accident, I never had the friend who od'ed and died, I never had the friend who committed suicide. Not the friend, not the family member. Maybe the reason I'm weirded out is because although I love the splendor in the grass and what it's saying, and although I want people to understand that on my passing- I can easily think of many situations where if I was what was left behind, I just can't imagine how I could do that. It's easy to believe those words when you don't have to live them.

I still don't know why I'm on this topic. I don't know why and I want to stop.

Here's a question for you:
If you were Adam or Eve, whatever take your pick, why would YOU bite the apple? Think about this closely. You are in complete paradise. Everything is perfect. The only thing asked of you is to not eat the fruit of ONE tree in an entire paradise. You don't have to work. You have a companion you love and who satisfies your every whim. Everything is absolutely perfect. What would make you break the one rule and end that? Really think about that and try not to give a cryptic answer. Really sit there and try and figure it out. Milton argues Eve did it because she believed a lie- Satan as a snake told her he ate the fruit and learned how to speak and that no he didn't die when he ate the fruit so surely she wouldn't die either and that in order to become better, god would surely allow the breaking of a rule. Eve believed that and ate the fruit. I HATE that story and I HATE that idea but whatever. So then, when Adam and Eve meet up and Adam is offered the choice to eat the fruit he does it because if Eve will be cast out of Paradise, he must go with her because he loves her too much/is obsessed with her. As much as that appeals to some romantic sense in me, I just don't like that either. They ruined a good thing for everyone else. Don't you think Milton could've given us a better reason why? So what would make you do it? Really. What would make you bite the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil.

0 of you have had really deep thoughts
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