Have you ever gotten to that point in a relationship where you're really not sure it's going to work? When all the warning signs are there that everything is just messed up? Some times I wonder if it was such a great move to marry J. After all, I was pregnant and pressured. But then I think, "Well you would've had to deal with him on some level anyways. At least this way, you can say you tried the married thing. I don't like it though-- this marriage. I hate that there are more crappy days and whatever days than happy days.
We got into a stupid fight- seriously stupid, and J just left. I don't know where he went and I don't think he went anywhere really crazy. I expect him to walk right back in here any second now. My ex in Cali used to walk out on me all the time and it was horrible. He used to tell me it was over and that he was leaving me and he'd disappear for hours. I hated him for it. I hated the way he'd manipulate me with that. J's not doing that but it still disturbs the fuck out of me. I kicked him out of our bed last night too. I went back and got him but whatever. Some times I wonder if we would be able to live together but live separate lives. Crazy huh? Stupid even.
We're at the point in the relationship where I'd consider taking a break from him. But I can't. I'm stuck. I despise being stuck. I want him to go away. What have I gotten myself into? Some times I think me and M would be fine on our own with J playing a minor role, but then I think of the way he calls "Daddy" all the time and how happy he gets when he sees him and that just stabs me.
We haven't even been married a year. This is so pathetic and so frustrating and so painful. But it's true-- I just don't want to be with him anymore. Not really. He doesn't make me happy anymore. And I don't think he cares.

Oh yeah, Happy New Year.

P.S. I've been writing for 17 minutes and he hasn't returned. And he left his cell phone. Figures.