I'm reading this Japanese novel (The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle) and I've picked up on this weird little thing in it. There is a constant need for the various characters (main and otherwise) to assure themselves they are being understood. In other words, there is a lot of "Do you understand?" and "Am I making myself clear?" and other such phrases in it. It's kinda weird. I'm thinking it's got to be the translation of some Japanese catch phrase or something sort of like the ever annoying "You know?" Yes I realize I say "you know?" all the time and I hate it when I do it's really obnoxious (you know?). But anyhow I just find it weird that there's this obsession with communicating and communicating clearly. At the same time, everything is so vague. All of the characters speak in vague sentences and tell stories halfway and abruptly stop. It seems like some sort of dream sequence and I'm having a hard time figuring out what it is that is "Japanese-y" about it and what is literary. This is the problem with translated works.
I'm sleepy. I've been going to bed around this time lately. I'm not sure why. Did I mention we got our first anniversary gift the other day? Zorra got us a collection of Baby Blues comics. It's so cute I just finished reading it. She said she thought we could relate. We can. :) I've always liked that strip. It's a really good snapshot of family life. Family Circus is cute and all but it's just syrupy. This one is pretty riotous and irreverant. I am a big fan of irreverance. It just occurred to me that Diaryland should have some sort of Java spell checker tool type thingy. That'd be pretty neat wouldn't it?
M walked some more today. He was a total brat about it this morning but he's really into it now. He was walking all over my parents' driveway getting into the dirt and the grass and throwing rocks and stuff. And at home he just walked on over to me without me or J saying anything to him. It's so cool. It's also hilarious. He's like a wind-up toy right now. Like you set him down standing up and let him go and off he toddles. It's hilarious. And he sort of just rambles too in a toy-like way. Like it doesn't matter where he ends up he's just walking around letting his feet move and his arms balance him. Hey it's not his fault his feet are veering him to the left which is where the street is! It's the gentle breeze that's pushing him that way right? It's pretty amazing watching him. It's like the talking thing. I hear him talk some times and I'm just struck for a moment. I sit there and look at him and I'm thinking "Wow, he's actually communicating with me." And I remember J and I imagining a time when he would be able to do that. It's little baby bits falling away. But he's still a baby. My delicious baby. I think about having another one some times and I just get all flustered. We're really lucky with M. It's no secret. So what if the second one is just nothing like him? That's how it has to be right? And it's true, how do parents love their kids equally? I have all this love for this little toddling squealing giggle bag can I really love another little bag the same way? Oddly enough though all of this thinking about baby 2 makes me pretty certain I really do want to wait a little while. I think maybe the end of 2006 would be a good time to start trying. I'm sure though once I get there I'll rethink the whole thing. But right now, I'm loving that decision. I feel good about it. It's weird but it's like I feel that's the only way I'll really be able to give baby 2 a fair chance. Ok this is sounding weird. I'm not communicating properly. It's just that these things are so hard to vocalize. And for the record, I totally want to make it clear that I don't think every family needs to be built this way. I just think that for me, personally, this is the best way. For me to be the best mother I can be to M and baby 2 this is the best road for me to travel. It has nothing to do with J or with biology or with something I've read it's just this hunch that I have- this little voice in my head that says, "Trust me it'll be so much better if you wait for baby two." And there's something about that voice that I believe and take comfort in. And of course it might just be some false comfort thing. Surprises do happen and with J and I and our less than stringent birth control methods it's a strong possibility that baby two won't wait. And that whole thing, that's a whole other issue. I know that birth control is out there and I know it's something I should totally do but I don't know. It's not even that I hate going to that doctor, cause really I swear that having a baby just totally changed that whole thing. I'm so much less modest now than I used to be which sucks because my body is in so much worse shape than it was once. But still, these days I just don't care as much. I do some times like today when I was in dance class in that stradle position warming up and I was blatantly aware that shorts are just not adequate um coverage and then the 20 something bongo playing accompanyist boy walked in and oh god I think I turned some sort of red at that point and maybe even prayed. But as far as the doctor goes I'm over it. It's so clinical it doesn't really bug me. So it's not that aspect that stops me from calling and making an appointment. I honestly don't know why I haven't done it. It could possibly be laziness. Oh and don't even think that a scare would be enough to get me on the phone tomorrow- been there, done that.
I'm not sure how I got from Japanese novelists obsessed with having their characters' thoughts understood to writing about my nonchalance about gynecology. These things just happen I suppose.