And yes, I'm glum and gray and feeling quite disconnected from the world. I feel so alien some times. Not even comfortable in my own skin. And there's a song that summarizes how I feel right now but... ok I found it. Dido. I think Portishead has one too.
I just want to feel safe in my own skin,
I just want to be happy again
I just want to feel deep in my own world
But I'm so lonely
I don't even want to be with myself anymore
On a different day,
if I was safe in my own skin,
then I wouldn't feel lost and
so frightened
But this is today and I'm lost in my own skin
And I'm so lonely
I don't even want to be with myself anymore
I just want to feel safe in my own skin,
I just want to be happy again.
God I hate feeling like this. I have absolutely no desire to do anything. I am anti-school this week. My brain does not want to function. I just want to sit in my chair and do nothing. I want to dwindle.
You know the only thing I don't like about my job is that I can't help but wonder if it's changing me. Like I wonder if it is making me shallow. Or is it just that I have always liked these things and my job lets me think about them more- encourages it even. It's so weird because none of my friends are into it and the people that are into it I am just so disconnected from. They're all wealthy and are used to being wealthy and so I just feel like a fake or something. And my friends think I'm crazy. It's the usual problem for me I guess. I've never really fit in, not even when I really really wanted to.
My life doesn't revolve around expensive bags or shoes, they just make me happy is all. And I've been on the end of the spectrum where an expensive bag or purse seemed silly to me. So now I'm not sure if I feel like a traitor or something? What IS it that drives me so crazy?? Is it really all just faulty chemical reactions?
Speaking of which I made an appointment with the girly doctor. I'll be going in two weeks to get my check up and to discuss some alternatives for birth control. And that makes me sad. Babies. I want a baby. I would much rather someone close to me had a baby so that I could just dote on it. But I mean it doesn't look like that will be happening any time soon.
Neopets letdown. Oh well. This night is crappy. I need to sleep.
