I tried reading all of the lovely red entries in my buddy list. I can't focus though. I must be PMSing something fierce. J and I have been talking a lot today about Baby 2. Except it seems a more accurate statement would be, I have been talking about Baby 2 today while J has been humoring me. I just tucked him into bed today and said something along the lines of how excited I am to one day have another baby, especially a girl, "aren't you?" "Not really." Ouch. Unfortunately, the conversation went on from there because I thought for a whole minute or so that he was kidding with me. He likes to talk serious stuff with me with the lights off so I couldn't see his face. He wasn't joking. He was dead serious. That he's very happy with his little boy and really doesn't want a little girl or another child for that matter. Oh my god, ouch. And then he said that he knew he'd have to give me my little girl but he'd prefer to leave things the way the were. Yeah that's about the part where my throat started aching really bad and my eyes burning because i was trying so hard not to cry and if I did manage to let some tears slip that he would not notice (thank god for his comfort with darkness). He was mad that I was hurt. Well not mad, frustrated. I don't know. He tried comforting me reasoning that he knows when he would have his little girl he'd be as enamored with her as he is with M. And then he tried back pedalling saying things like some times he wants one, some times he doesn't. That it's scary.
So you see I felt so weird about this and I think what made me feel so shitty was not just the reluctance to have another child by me but that it was a reluctance to have a girl, a girl is like me. Am I such a bad example of a girl that he is put off by them? I feel deflated. I feel like someone popped a whole in me. Whoosh. My feelings are so ridiculously hurt right now. I don't want to have a baby because he's giving me one cause I want one. He's supposed to want one too. He's supposed to be excited about it too. How in the hell do men get scared about having another child? What the fuck is their problem?? They don't have to do shit when it comes to having a baby. At least nothing that they aren't already doing. And if they love their family so much... ugh. Whatever. I don't want to dwell on it. I just want the thought to disappear. To evaporate.