You know, a few weeks ago I was at my aunt's house. We were celebrating my goddaughter's birthday and I was showing them my online albums and in every single photo of herself, my goddaughter said horrible things about herself. "Gross!" "Oh my god i'm so fat!" "Yuck!" Etc. Her mom was sitting with us and kept telling her, "A don't say those things! They're not true!" "Yes they are! Look! GROSS!" It got so crazy my aunt pulled my goddaughter into her bedroom and she just broke down sobbing. Now, the sobbing isn't really a big deal normally. My goddaughter is a crier. She's also ten years old. She just turned ten and is finishing third grade. I was so very sad and angry listening to her. She is a beautiful girl. And yes, she's not a rail. Isn't that wonderful? The girl's not fat, she's really just healthy. And she IS healthy. She's on the basketball team and swims in the family pool ALL of the time. Hearing her just really crushed my heart to a million and one pieces. How fucked up are we people? What damn level have we gotten to that a ten year old girl is horrified by her truly healthy figure?
This also stirred up a lot of really nasty memories in me. I was a rail in my younger years. I'm still thin even though I have my "fluffy" spots here and there. When I was younger, I was so skinny people called me anorexic. I didn't get my period until very late for my class- the week before I turned 14 I think it was, just before I started my freshman year of high school. My chest? Yeah that horrible mockery of womanhood eluded me until I was graduating and even then, the first time I really loved my boobs was when I was pregnant. For the record, I hate them again. The sad thing is I tried explaining to my goddaughter how absolutely miserable I was because I had been too thin. She really could not understand that. She didn't believe me, not for a second. I despised myself when I was younger. In middle school, as early as 11 years old, I was constantly contemplating suicide. I imagined every possible way that it could be done. I'd cry myself out of it over and over again. And look this isn't some pity party. I've grown up and completely dealt with that time of my life. But it just got all stirred up and boiled to a frenzy when she was so disgusted with herself. Why people!?!? Why are we hurting our darling little girls this way? Why does it take so many years to realize that being a damn rail is neither practical, or sexy, or desirable, or healthy? Why do some people never make that realization?
I know I bitch and moan about my body just as much as everyone else does. I do. I'm thrilled that I'll be joining a gym next Monday. But I'm happy not because I want to lose weight. I don't really care about weight. I just want to tighten up my soft spots. I don't want to be a model. I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I want my stomach to look so good in a swimsuit it takes attention away from the stretch marks and baby spider veins in my thighs. Yes I do have stretch marks and spider veins. They run in my family- spider veins especially. I could be a rail and I'd probably still have the same damn problem.
And the reason I'm spilling all of this out today is because I saw my goddaughter on Sunday at a birthday party and I was taking pictures all day. Today, I was sorting through them and I came upon this one. My breath was stolen away from me when I saw it. So Mandy this is for you. You are a beautiful girl. I'll love you forever.