I'm not going to burden you with the details. I'm going to make this quick because I'm sick and tired of dwelling on it even though in some pathetic fashion, I can't let it go. I had a fabulous morning and I got to my dance class fifteen minutes early. I was walking to the studio and a girl from last semester's class pops out of her car.
"Are you going to the Modern 2 class"
"Yeah."
She shakes her head at me. "Nope, it's been cancelled. They didn't have enough students. Only ten, needed 15."
This led to us bitching back and forth about how could they do this and that would have been a PERFECT sized dance class. I then hauled ass home to try and repair my schedule. To no avail. There was nothing I could do. The only good thing was that I found a fully online version of the Spanish class I was to take in the last half of Summer. I signed up for that one in the hopes of avoiding discovery as a native speaker. I will not be graduating this August. I will be graduating in December. December 19, 2005.
I've had a pretty annoying day since that. But, I've emerged from a hot delish bubble bath (Bath & Body Works Cherry Blossom bubble bath) where I read about half of the newest Rolling Stone and my house is nice and cool. The a/c repair man took out the fan and removed all the crap in there. He added freon, and adjusted the vents. We now have a nice cool house. It's lovely.
I know I want to talk about models and such things and Dove but I can't get my mind to focus on it. Mostly because it's a topic I'm still working out in my head. I'm trying to figure out what I make of this whole thing with my goddaughter and what my role in it is. I want to grab her and shake her and make her instantly confident in herself. And I realize it's not going to happen. That makes me so sad. Since my husband and I keep chatting back and forth about a second baby, which we would ideally want to be a girl, this whole experience really has me shaken up and I have to tell you that if I did have a girl, I wouldn't know what to say or what to do. At least, that's how I feel. Don't get me wrong. I understand men and boys have self-esteem issues. I understand they have problems with confidence and all this gunk. But, even though I have two younger brothers, I just can't seem to grasp it's pain and causes as readily as I can what women go through. It's not my male friends that come to me asking for support most of the times and if and when they do its not necessarily for personal things, more like projects I guess- endeavors. They run business ideas and new things they want to try or do or whatever by me. They don't ask me about clothes or hair or makeup. My husband asks me about his appearance. He's one of the rare exceptions. But in a way, I think it's cause he's my husband and I'm easier to get a reply from than the mirror. It's kind of standard practice when you're married isn't it? "How do I look?"
Dammit I've gone off rambling again!! I'm sorry. Just trying to get my mind off disappointment I guess.
