I'm in the dumps today. It's rough because I recognize it and yet I don't want to even try getting myself out of them. I like it here very much apparently.
Last night, I went to bed with a half written diary entry. I was going to try and resucitate it this morning but just didn't feel very up to it. I archived my old entries last night. Over 200 entries- unbelievable! My only regret is that I hadn't started this diary sooner and that I had kept to it more often. It's so weird going back and seeing my old life- well part of it.
I think part of it is that being home all of the time makes me kind of yearn to be kid-free again. Part of the reason I don't get out of my house with M is because it is such a hassle. Having to think if he's taken his nap yet and what will he eat and when and where and how long will his good mood last all that stuff it just exhausts my brain. I want to just get up and go. Hmm I want to go to the post office right now so I'll go. I want to make cookies, I'll go to the supermarket for ingredients. Oh this recipe sounds good I want to try it. I want to clean the house. I want to mop the floor. I want to clean the bathroom. I want to go shopping. ALL OF IT needs to be planned when there's a toddler running amok. I despise planning. And i mean I always end up missing him and i love him so much i swear my heart feels like it's going to explode or something but I just yearn to be on my own as well.
Also, I want a house. So badly. I remember these feelings, these feelings of being trapped and limited and confined. I had them early on when m was a newborn and now they've come back and it's upsetting me. I hope they'll go away soon. At least I have work to keep me busy every now and then.
Enough moping and pouting already. I'm gonna end this entry now and do SOMETHING. I swear.