M got his hair cut on Saturday while I was at my event. I told J he should have his mother take him since she was going to be with him that day and he really needed one. When I got a picture message at my phone, I almost burst into tears. Literally. M looks so different with his hair cut. I hardly recognized the little boy staring at me through my camera. The babiness just seemed to disappear with that cloud of curls. My MIL got his hair cut much shorter than I've ever had it cut and it was just so shocking. My husband thought I was rather pathetic when I came home and just kept staring at my once baby. He's turning two years old in August and that just hurts me to the core. I feel like someone is tugging at the baby in my arms.
Needless to say, I'm torturing myself. We romped around in the bed after he woke up from his nap and he just blew me away with his ability to grasp every single thing that I say and that I do. He wants to learn every song that I sing him and do all the hand moves and everything. It is all so exciting to him he simply must have more more more. And then tonight, because my heart just wouldn't be able to stand it, I drew the bedtime routine out and did it the way I wish it was done every night. He ate dinner and boysenberry sorbet. I let him have a nice long bubble bath and we cleaned him up together- even managed to clean those ears! He willingly got out of the tub into his towel-- and threw his arms around me. I took him into his room and put on his diaper. I came out and turned off, or down, all of the lights and made him a bottle of milk. I sat with him while he drank his milk and when I saw he was just playing with it, I took it away and dressed him in his pajamas. And then I did something I haven't done in ages. I carried my little boy and walked around and rocked him in my arms. I moved closer and closer to his room and in the hallway I kinda almost lost it. I was staring into his little face and I could just see the future in a way. It's so stupid to try and explain this but I saw my little baby boy just growing and growing-- since WHEN did his legs hang so much when I carried him close to my chest? I saw him playing and learning like big boys do and fighting with me like bigger boys do and then just become this little boy no more. I cannot understand why this hurts me so much. I cannot understand why, instead of feeling confident and happy with the idea of not having anymore babies, I feel unsure and selfish and slightly ridiculous. Maybe even overly dramatic or drastic. And maybe one day I will have another baby, but the problem I have right now is that I won't ever have another baby M.
While I was holding him I wasn't sure why I don't hold him that way more often. Maybe it's because it hurts way too much to lay him down in his crib. Do you know that in my heart I silently wish that he would finally attempt to climb out of his crub so that we can get him a twin bed? Do you know why? Because all I want to do is climb into bed next to him and cuddle with his angelic sleepy self. M can't sleep in our bed. It's not even because we have decided on that, even if we want him to- he can't do it. He wants to play with us and can't lie still. What's worse is that he can sleep with J in the bed. He's been doing that lately if J's home and napping when M wakes from his afternoon nap, J brings him into bed with him and the two float back to dreamland. He tried doing it the other day when I was home and M didn't go for it.
I know that there are many years ahead of me and I know that there are many nights of sleeping in a too small bed with M because of this, that, and the other reason. But I'm just being selfish lately. In any case, I need to just I don't know. I don't know what I need to do really. Except maybe to stop worrying so much about how fast the future might arrive, but I meean, some times I'm just shocked to see the future has actually arrived already.
We styled M's hair into a mohawk yesterday, Sunday May 22, 2005
