I was reading Cookie's MySpace blog and she went back and posted some of her old entries and I find that I want to just kick myself. There is just about no record of those first fragile months with M. My last pregnant entry was from July 17, 2003 and then there is one entry from September 10, 2003 and one more on November 3, 2003. I didn't really have much to say regularly until September 27, 2004 and then you couldn't really get me to shut up again. That sort of realization unnerves me. I just have to wonder what in god's name had me so wrapped up that I couldn't write in my diary? And yes, life was stressful. Of course. I have the worst habit of not writing when I'm really stressed out. And it's a bad habit because I should be writing during those times, you know??

I have to tell you, this whole planning pregnancies thing? It's really freaking creepy. It's nervewrecking and exciting at the very same time and really it's just messing me up. The really funny thing is I can tell J is going through the exact same thing. We lay in bed a good while just talking about it and then we'd remember something from the old days and groan or laugh. Or both. We remembered M being in my belly and kicking at J's back through the night. And that reminded of those nights. Those insane blurred nights. Such hazes. And we really talked about what we want as far as a home and I really just think we'll end up buying a condo not because we really want to but because our options are slimming down quickly. Or maybe, they really weren't there to start with and we're just starting to come to terms. We discussed location and price and what we're looking for and want and don't want. We'll see. Wow this is so odd. This whole thing where the roads are diverting before us again and the paths are so many and who knows what lies around the curb?