2006-01-28 - 1:39 a.m. : I just don't know what to do
Project Runway is one of those shows that I know I'll love and instantly forget about it. Well the other day when I was feeling sickly and gross there was a marathon on Bravo. I caught the episodes from MyScene to the most current- Inspiration. So for fun, here's where I stand. I admire Daniel V but don't see myself wearing very many of his clothes. I think he'll win unless someone steals it from him with some amazing final challenges. Andrae can provide him competition and seriously the two of them are genius together. I mean wow. And for the record, I think Andrae should've won the last challenge. The gown was phenomenal. I love Nick. I think he makes such elegant stuff. And Chloe? Love her!! I adore her clothes and can see myself in them all of the time but I don't think she's as out there as the judges would like a winner to be. Kara's good but is missing something. I don't know what it is yet. The no trespassing dress sucked though. And Santino is just too much all of the time. So yeah, this Project Runway stuff is so fun to watch!! Not being able to stitch a thing, I'm just constantly impressed by the process. Here's a photo, here's some fabric, here's a sketch, here's a form, here's a GREAT PIECE. I mean holy cow. It just blows me away every time.

So there's that. Then there's this. Our mortgage was approved today. Which was great and everything but the rush of excitement I expected to feel never came. Actually it may have been washed out to sea by a call from my landlord saying he'd be coming tomorrow to show the apartment. HUH!?!!?! Oh dear. We've been cleaning and fixing and all sorts of things all day. I am exhausted. J and I were bickering nonstop. And my hip is killing me. Brilliant. Oh and we're not done. I'm going to bed soon so I can wake up nice and early and keep it going. Three rooms are left: Mario's Bedroom, Master Bedroom, Master Bath. I KNOW I can do this.

Yet another tangent for you. On Thursday I took M over to the park to meet with G and her son N. We had so much fun. M just seems to blossom around other kids. The totally weird thing is, and maybe it's not so weird I dunno, is that he really goes nuts when older kids show up. Kids his age or younger just don't do much for him. He's like yeah whatever. You go on and throw yourself around like that you nut. But when he's with the big kids he challenges himself to move faster and more confidently. It's kind of funny. Also, wow is he interested in the mechanics of things. They had a sort of bowl built into the playground with a hole at the bottom for sand. And he filled it with N and then suddenly noticed some sand fall through and stop. So he looked under and saw a hole and figured out the sand was supposed to flow through but it was blocked by a rock. It was just neat watching him figure out oh there's a blockage. Oh I can unblock it like this? No like this. OH look there it goes!! This is the whole amazement factor again.

So let's do another tangent. On Tuesday we found out we're expecting a girl. A Girl. Oh my god. There is no name. So just my girl for now. I can't really come to terms with it. I'm completely shocked because it is so much what I wanted and yet I couldn't believe it'd happen. And it did. My body was trying to tell me too. My brain. I know it. I'd talk to her and use she and her and stuff in my head when thinking about her. And I kept thinking of girl names and didn't bother with boy names unless I really forced myself to and never really did. And I'd look at Juicy baby stuff and just drool. Or I'd look at girl clothes and then force myself to look at unisex things and boy things. The thing is that years ago, the movie Great Expectations came out. It's a beautiful movie. Visually especially. It's eye candy. But there's this song in the movie called Life in Mono by the group Mono. And that song has held my heart from the moment I heard it. I think it might be my all time favorite song. So I listened to it all of the time and there's the chorus which repeats the word Ingenue over and over. And one day it hit me. I wanted to name my daughter Ingenue. I mean if you listen to this song, you'll just hear the beauty in it. My husband hates it. My mother hates it. My mother in law hates it. Everyone makes fun of it. And I've pretty much been forbidden from naming my daughter Ingenue. The thing is I didn't think about it at all this whole pregnancy and definitely didn't think about it at all since Tuesday. And then today I loaded my playlist for getting things done and the song came on. And it came on lots of times because I had it on shuffle. But all of a sudden I found myself singing along the chorus and just stood straight up. I was singing Ingenue. I was singing that name that I'd wanted so badly and could never have. And it makes me suddenly really really really sad. I know the literal meaning of the word isn't exactly what I imagine in my head. But I don't take the name from a word, I'm taking it from a song. And so it's not a word it's more. For example, I know a girl named Chaos. A little girl. And at first it's a little bit off putting. This is Chaos. But over time, it's just a name. It dilutes the word. So, I don't know. I'm dealing with that pain(?), I guess. She'll always BE my Ingenue you know? Even if she has another name. But it feels so strange. Maybe it's something I need to explore creatively. Get it out of my system that way. Some way.

Life in Mono- Mono

The stranger sang a theme

From someone elseís dream

The leaves began to fall

And no one spoke at all

But I canít seem to recall

When you came along

Ingenue

Ingenue

I just donít know what to do

The tree-lined avenue

Begins to fade from view

Drowning past regrets

In tea and cigarettes

But I canít seem to forget

When you came along

Ingenue

Ingenue

I just donít know what to do

Ingenue

I just donít know what to do

Ingenue

I just donít know what to do

Ingenue

I just donít know what to do

Ingenue (fade out)

2 of you have had really deep thoughts
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