I have a confession to make.
This morning, I was a HUGE bitch to my son, M. Do you know what I did? Let me get it off of my chest.
At about 9 in the morning M woke up. Which is ridiculous and insane because he always wakes up at around 11, some times 10. And he was crying for me. It wasn't the "HELP ME! SOMETHING TERRIBLE HAS HAPPENED!" cry, it was the "Ok, I'm awake now! Come get me!" cry. They are very different. I was exhausted so I didn't budge. I figured, he shall come to the realization that he is indeed awake too early and go back to sleep. I think, at that point, I fell asleep again. At about 10 I'm woken up by his crying. Now, I have no idea what happened. I don't know if he did actually snooze for a bit and then he realized he was snoozing and woke up crying, waking ME up. OR if he never really stopped crying and my brain got tired of working so hard to block out that really annoying sound and so it woke me up. Either way, I lay in bed. And I got super duper annoyed. And then I buried my face between two pillows and wondered if I would pass out from breathing my own air. Then I got mad, got up, went to the bathroom, made him oatmeal, made myself coffee, and fetched him.
And that's the absolute worst part. Because I get in there, and his little face is all puffy from crying. And he's all happy to see me, "Mami! Mami. Mami! Mami." Like he doesn't know I ignored him for an hour or so. He just thinks maybe I didn't hear him or something and it's not my fault and he's so very glad I did indeed make my way to him to save him from the prison that is his crib. And so I picked him up and he looks at his crib, "Bankie." Right. So I picked up his blankie and gave it to him...
and
he
promptly
buried
himself
in
my
shoulder
TO
CUDDLE.
I literally collapsed into the armchair. I felt like such crap! And he stayed nuzzling with me for a good four or five minutes, which is an eternity with a 15 month old. And I sat there feeling his hot little breath against my chest and neck, stroking his back, and trying so hard not to cry like an asshole.
It's so crazy about babies. Because with adults, the ignoring thing would have worked for me! You made me mad by waking me up way too early and then crying a lot. So I'm going to just ignore you for an hour. An adult would've been all "FINE! Be an ass! Act like a child! Talk to me when you grow up!" And I would've felt so very good ignoring him. All, "Ha you so deserve me ignoring you, you jerk." And then everything would be ok. But M didn't get mad at me. He didn't give me attitude. He didn't do anything wrong. I did. And I felt like such shit about it. Talk about unrequited.