I've been acting weird today- in spurts. Active busy bee spurts and lazy blob spurts and glum chum don't want to do anything spurts. I'm sitting here yawning and I don't really want to go to bed. It's not that I want today to end exactly, it's more that I don't want tomorrow to come and really not for any particular reason.
I think this all has to do with the little moment I had last night. Ok I don't want to sound morbid or anything I'm just being candid. I was lying in bed last night thinking (I do this every single night) and suddenly I was hit with a lightning bolt of a thought, "I'm going to die one day. All of this will mean nothing. I'm going to cease to exist." At first it terrified me. Like I almost sobbed but that lasted for about a second. I honestly don't know what my feelings are on death and souls and such things. I think the idea of heaven is very comforting and quite romantic but I'm not sure I really believe in it. At the same time, I'm pretty much ok with the fact I'll cease to exist. It happens all the damn time. It's sad in a way but there are ways to continue living as it were. I guess what made me sad is that I like my life. I complain a lot and stuff but I really enjoy living. I think the thing about death is that I'll have to let go of life, of living. I won't have a choice either. It'll just happen one day and that's that. I'll be gone. I won't be here anymore. Poof. It's so weird to me to consider that. So bizarre and big. So I guess I'm sad cause it's like having to say goodbye to a very dear friend or something. It's so hard to explain these things. It was just so odd the way that thought hit me last night. I mean I was just lying there thinking about I don't know what and suddenly, "I'm going to die one day." It's like a big move or something. Like I keep thinking "Oh I won't be able to do this anymore or see this person anymore or do that or that. How sad. I'm going to miss that." And then I stop myself- if I'm dead I can't miss anything. I can't do anything if I'm dead. I'll just be dead. I won't be anymore. And that's what my brain can't grasp so I don't bother. I don't have to really. I just accept it. It is what it is.
It's the novel I'm reading I know it. That morbid little teenager in it. Or something about it. I can't devour this novel. I can only read it in bits which is so odd for me. I'm a speed reader. I devour my books. Chapter after chapter after chapter. And with this one I have to be like "Ok that is enough for right now." Not because I'm bored but it's just so odd. It's fun to read because it's so odd. But it's not a page-turner or a thrilling story or anything. It just is what it is- odd. So I'm digesting it. And I guess that's why suddenly I'll get hit by something. It's good I guess to think of these things now. I won't have time when school really picks up. And one does have to think about these things. It just caught me so completely off guard. Thinking about it and recalling it and writing about it now really unsettles me. Like I feel a little sick and a lot sad again. But it's not a despair. It's just this resigned sadness. It's so hard to get this across! And here's the thing- this isn't something that would be different if I did believe in Heaven and that whole thing. Because there was a time I did believe in it wholeheartedly and I'd still get sad and stuff. Heaven was never a comfort to me. I'm telling you the best way to describe it is by comparing it to a really big dramatic move or something. Everyone tells you where you're going is so wonderful but you just really like it where you are right now thanks very much. I don't know what the average is for people to contemplate suicide. I don't know if that even exists. But I had first contemplated suicide in my middle school years I think. It may have been a little before. And I always got scared. I never even tried. I got close to trying a lot but I never did actually try because I was always so scared of so many things. I never was scared of burning in hell though. I didn't think god would be that totally harsh on a person. God i hate my life and now you're condemning me to hell because i tried getting out of it? I dunno it never sank with me. But I was just scared of it- of the pain and of the after part. What happened after? Mostly I think I was scared of the pain. I'm not big on pain. I was such a weird child. I'm still weird. Like I said, I'm not really sure where this whole thing is coming from. I'm pretty sure it's coming from what I'm reading. What I read has a lot to do with what goes through my head and when it's something I slowly have to go through it really hammers away at me. It drills into me. The more so when I have time.
"Men fear death as children fear to go in the dark; and as that natural fear in children is increased with tales, so is the other."
-Francis Bacon
