2005-02-03 - 11:38 a.m. : The thing about having kids
Here's the thing about having kids. I am not sure you really get to appreciate the whole having children thing until months after you've had one. Because yes, in those first fragile months, you might have a sudden lightning bolt moment of awareness and amazement but really you're in such a drugged out stupor that it's all pretty trippy. There is nothing on this planet like those first fragile months with a baby. Looking back now, I understand that and am just wowed by the whole thing. These baby things are just mind-blowing and the more you think about it the more you find yourself wondering, "How in the hell did I do that?"
I am not sure that I want my son to read this diary. Well, that's not quite accurate. I would never point my son this way. I don't think I would. I don't think I'd ever say, "M my diary is at http://lavanotes.diaryland.com" nor do I think that I'd ever give him a hard copy of this diary. If I did, I am 90% sure that it would be when he is much older. Maybe when he's expecting his first child or something.
I think I believe strongly in legacies. In passing things down. I'm not sure what happens when we die. At the same time, I'm not sure I care. The fact is, I don't live a bad life. I don't do bad things. So, if there is some afterlife where you have to get judged to see what kind of afterlife you settle into, I don't think I would pass with flying colors but I doubt I would fail horribly. I just have a hard time accepting that the same force that blesses us with perfect, wonderful, fragile creatures we call children could be ruthless and decide me unworthy of a nice afterlife because I cuss a lot or because I had lots and lots of sex before marriage or because I committed adultery (I was not the member of the sinning party that was married). So ok wait where was I? Ok that's right the afterlife. So, let's say that when I die there's nothingness. I just cease existence. This really greedy part of me wants a part of me to remain, to live on. And I often wonder what it is of me, of mine, that will endure (if anything at all) and what would endure the longest. And when I contemplate that, I like to think that it will be those things that I create. Whether it be something as meticulous as those damn scrapbooks or something as free-flowing as this diary. Not that I wouldn't love for my nonexistent granddaughter to one day be toting around my what would then be vintage Coach bag and someone say "Wow that is a really fabulous bag" and her reply, "Thanks, it belonged to my grandmother" and that person say "That is so cool." Because I'd really love for something like that to happen. But the fact is I didn't make the Coach bag. I didn't design it. I simply had some input in its choice and I received it as a gift. Another nice detail for my nonexistent daughter to add to her story. "It was a Valentine's gift to my grandmother from my grandfather."
Where is all of this coming from and where is all of this going?
Well it's coming from this ridiculously long conversation K, O, and I had at Denny's last night. I think it's rooted in us venting on how much organized religions drive us crazy because really we just don't think any of them "get it" and that drives us mad. I personally am a truthseeker and to be completely honest, I think those people who lived thousands and thousands of years ago, who ran around picking berries and spearing animals, drawing swastikas on cave walls, and worshipping a billion gods and goddesses- I think they were so much closer to the truth than we are now and ever will be. And needless to say, they were way before Christ and Muhammed and everyone else. So ok where is this going? I don't know. I really don't know. I'm just pouring stuff out. Really this diary was actually meant for me to contemplate on the wonders of raising a child and how mesmerizing it is and how really fleeting it is. And so I guess thinking about all that is a gateway to thinking about all of these really big other things.
See and now I'm distracted and have run out of things to say. It's about time, I have been pouring out for over 20 minutes.
0 of you have had really deep thoughts
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