I have a friend of mine who has an amazing stomach. Her stomach is nice. It's super flat. But, in my opinion that is her only really great feature- physically speaking ok? I love her as my friend. I think she's one of the sweetest and well-meaning people I've known. But today, we're talking bodies, looks, appearances. In my opinion, she is way too skinny. But it seems everyone else thinks she's got an awesome body. So there are pictures of her a friend took and they're all ultra sexy half nekkid pictures. And everyone is just going nuts over them and I don't get it? And I start to feel my self esteem crumble into little pieces. Not like in a huge collapse but just a little. And there's another friend of mine who everyone swears is gorgeous and the girls in my group say she's perfection and again I don't see it. I think she's adorable but she's even though yes she's skinny, skinny doesn't mean perfection. Not to me. So ok I guess all this stuff just opens old wounds.

When I was single, or even now, when I go out with a group of girls, I am just not the first one guys notice. I'm not the one they hit on. I'm not that girl. I never have been. When my friends had a magazine, they asked my two friends to be on the magazine cover-- they never even thought of me until I was pregnant because they were thinking it'd be cool to use my belly and like photoshop some monster in it or something. So really, they just wanted my prego belly. Nothing else. And that kind of thing, it hurts me. Isn't that so silly? I get such conflicting messages. I was at that basketball player's wife's party. And this guy there would just not leave me alone. He kept telling me how I was the image of perfection. My legs were fantastic, my whole look was so elegant, etc. My husband swears I'm gorgeous (he better god dammit). And my (girl)friends will occasionally say something like "Wow! You look SO pretty!" But when people think "sexy" they don't think of me- they've never thought of me. It's not just from when I was pregnant or married. It's just always been that way. I've always been the understated one. The one who didn't bother showing everything I've got all of the time. Some times, I wonder if that strategy backfired on me LOL.
An ex of mine explained it to me the best way I have understood it. When I met my ex, I was at a friend's house. We all went to the beach to just hang out with a cooler of beer and good company. Another friend of mine who loves to show absolutely everything she's got was with us. She wears miniskirts every opportunity she gets and does not sit or stand or bend over as if she's wearing a miniskirt but as if she's wearing pants. Get my point? So my ex was chatting her up. Why not? She was sitting across from him, legs open wide, crossing her legs, uncrossing her legs, flashing this, that, and the other. This is what he told me later on in our relationship. I wasn't paying much attention to their whole thing. When we met him earlier that evening I thought he was so cute. But clearly, he was interested in my friend- as was the usual case. So, at the beach I just grabbed a beer and stood at the shore, drinking and just being entranced by the ocean. It ended up that he came over to where I was and talked with me. And later on we were kissing. And we hooked up. Later on in the relationship, he told me that of course he was drawn to her. He wanted sex. She was showing him her whole wide world. But he could not talk with her. It just wasn't clicking. She was almost annoying him even. He was intrigued by me. So much so that the mission for getting laid that night got sidelined. I wouldn't let him. I just wouldn't. But he couldn't stop thinking about me and so our relationship went on. He saw that girl a few weeks ago-- and couldn't even remember how he knew her.

That's how it is with me. I'm the girl the guys go for after the fact. For me, it is more of an accomplishment to get complimented by wearing a conservative black cocktail dress than a mini and a crop top. I prefer a man liking my legs then my boobs or my stomach or my ass. And if a man likes my face, that is a huge compliment.

But some times, I want to be the sexy one. The first one a guy notices. The one that hooks a guy start to finish.

But tell me, doesn't every woman want that? At least once in their lives?