2005-04-21 - 1:30 a.m. : Cuatro Vente
I sit here staring...

Happy 4/20 everyone. SO cheesy I know, but some times it's just impossible to relinquish the bad girl isn't it? So yes I am a little up in the clouds right now and it's so nice. There have not been very many drugs that I have done in my life. Namely, two- ectasy and weed. Three if we include alcohol. I did/do them for different reasons. I don't touch ectasy anymore. It's been about 3 years since I last rolled. I never did it often either. Oddly enough, the very first time that I did it, my reason was just to try something different. To feel euphoria. I had seen countless friends on ectasy and I knew what I wanted to experience and what I didn't want to experience and I have to say I never had a bad roll.
Weed was/is a different story. Why smoke weed? Well some times, it was pretty much for social reasons. This really peaked when I lived in Berkeley, California- big surprise right? We would be at a friend's house, maybe four or five of us, and a joint or a blunt or a pipe would appear and everyone partook and so you did too even though you weren't really in the mood to get high but what the hell else is there to do really? Some times, it would backfire and I would zone OUT. I hated that feeling. I really hated being lifted into the clouds without coming down. I just can't understand people who smoke for creative reasons- how do they function??

Now, I have to tell you I don't smoke for social reasons anymore. This is mostly due to the complete lack of a social life motherhood brings. I mean sure someone might have weed on them but "I have SO much to do I can't smoke right now." So the second reason comes into play- shutting turning down my brain. I think entirely too much. My brain is always here and there and there and here and everywhere. It's never where it needs to be, well rarely and it takes a lot of effort to get it there. And when my hormones are going out of their minds, as they are doing these days, the brain activity not only increases but it turns really quite negative. Everything is bad. It becomes an impossibility to not remain positive, but to FIND something positive to start with. I really do a number on myself during PMS week and it's so devastating because I see my chemically induced attitude creeping into everything I do, not do, say, not say and it's so damn annoying-- especially for a control freak like me. I feel like I am constantly screaming "Get a grip!" to myself. So, every now and then (and it's really quite rare) I use other chemicals to "get a grip." Some times, it's a nice dose of Nyquil Nighttime just so I can get a proper sleep session in. Other times, it's a few drinks to get myself giggly and lighthearted and carefree, and other times it's a couple hits of weed to just slow down the thought processes. They are much easier to handle when they've dropped from 100 mph to 30.

Oddly enough, I get quite conversational some times when I smoke. And there's just no one online to conversate with so my darling diary has absorbed it all for tonight.

Sweet dreams.

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