Ok now I remember. Go back one for a silly quick blurb on my day today.

r2 and L, they know Green Kangaroo (my younger brother- the one in the middle...). Ok wait, let me back up a tiny bit first. I'm not sure I've ever discussed my family on here? So here's what you need to know for this small exploration, ok? I have a family of five lovely people- Cuban Catholic Conservative parents, and two younger brothers (Green Kangaroo and Pirate- the baby). There is about 20 months between myself and Green Kangaroo. There are five years between me and Pirate. When we were really young, the Green Kangaroo and I were really close. Or so they tell me. They swear up and down really and all photographs seem to support their claims.
However, all I really remember from my childhood is too often feeling like I was being ganged up on by those two. There were no girls in my neighborhood my age. I've always been an outcast in a way. My brothers really worked that in there too. They shared a room and played together and well I always had to work to get in on their games and stuff. Green Kangaroo and I would fight a lot. I remember that. I'm sure I'd whomp on Pirate too some times BUT I honestly remember Pirate coming into my room to sleep with me some nights and when we'd go for car rides it was MY lap he'd fall asleep on every time. As we grew older, it was ME he'd call for when Green Kangaroo was whomping on him and he was helpless. I remember having to separate those too and being shocked that Green Kangaroo would abuse his size advantage so horribly.
Anyways. Here's the thing. Green Kangaroo and I had very distinct upbringings and personalities. The bottom line was he was the cool kid always getting in trouble but for stupid stuff nothing serious. And he'd keep secrets. Lots of secrets. I was not the cool kid. I was the tormented kid. And I wouldn't keep secrets because I couldn't. It went against the whole Catholic frenzy I was on (until about the age of 15). Anyhow, it's sort of become a part of me. I very much despise hiding things. I don't like to hide myself. It sounds so pretentious and noble but it's nothing like that- it's simple. I hate being something I'm not. Been there, tried that, it sucks and isn't for me. Unfortunately, I got it into my head that my family should accept me for who I really was just as much as anyone else. Now, we've entered high school. The person that left Saint Agatha Catholic School in 1994 and left Our Lady of Lourdes Academy in 1998 were pretty much very different people and the changes developed rapidly. Most notably, it was in my sophomore year that I really started deconstructing my old self and coming to terms with what was buried deep inside and under all this "education" I'd been through. The first thing to be flung out the window was Catholicism. This was a HUGE problem with my family. I'm not exagerrating when I say HUGE. The biggest, most insulting, most horrible fights would erupt and mostly because in tossing Catholicism there were lots of new found freedoms. At least I felt there were. You also have to include here the inevitable and universal tension when you have a Cuban Conservative Catholic parental unit in place. And you're the only girl. And you're the oldest child. You are now the first to do everything. You are the first to WANT to do most everything.
Green Kangaroo decided his role would be to back up my parents. Clearly, I was just an irresponsible teenager acting up, causing a show. Sadly, I really don't think my brother's perception of me as this has changed. That's where I get all confused and baffled and hurt by him even. My brother holds me at a distance. He won't let me in. He used to hate introducing me to his friends. Honestly? He was embarrassed by me. I know he was. The thing is, my brother held on to Catholicism and Conservatism a LOT longer than I did. Even though he is NOT a practicing Catholic at all anymore, he is still very Conservative I don't care what he says. Then again, maybe he wouldn't dispute that. I'm 90% sure my brother was NOT pleased when I was pregnant. He's fine now. LOVES M. But then? No way. The thing is he has his mad faults too. I don't understand why he holds so much against me. His friends love me. None of them understand why we don't hang out more often. And we've tried it. And honestly when I was younger and more insecure I'd hate hanging with his friends. I felt so out of place. I felt so intimidated by these perfect looking girls and guys. Trendy and hip and connected. These were the type of people that used to torment me in middle school- weren't they?
When Green Kangaroo connected me to r2 I was pretty shocked. I'm not sure he really expected anything to come out of it. But something did. And he jokes with r2 about me all the time- "Thanks for cleaning up my sister." I even took him to the BEP concert as a thank you. And we had fun but well it was because I was watching BEP and he was with friends of his. Everyone loves my brother. Everyone loves my brotherS. I'm sure a lot of it has to do with me too. I resented my brother when I was younger. I resented him for being bad to be cool. Funny enough I think he ended up doing the same to me but he just took it to this whole other level. I remember having religious fights with my parents and he'd be SO PISSED at me. "Why do you talk about shit like that with them!?!? It just makes them mad and hurt. Just shut up." And now, years later, he's having the SAME fights with them. The thing is, he doesn't see it that way. I know he doesn't. He's different than I was. That's what he thinks. Funny enough I think a lot of it had to do with apperance too. My brother never really went through a shocking appearance phase. He was a little ghetto when he was younger but really that was it. I LOVED fucking with my appearance. The goth look, the punk look, the rocker chick, the skater chick, the raver girl, the ska girl, etc. I honestly just liked "dressing up." Pink shocks of hair, spiked collars, whatever. It was all fun. Who cares? He did. So odd. He was always so good at the double life. He still is. Here he is, making good money, living at home with our parents, always out, has lots of friends, just bought a Mercedes, dresses nice, etc. And yet, he's an alcoholic. No shit, gets the shakes, drinks alone, gets angry, alcoholic. He doesn't even deny it. And yet, even despite their being Cuban Conservative Catholics, he has somehow manipulated my parents into not seeing that he is an alcoholic and has been for some time but instead he's just got very good taste and enjoys to drink socially. I guess I never bothered dresseding up my problems in pretty packages and for him that was an issue. I believed in the kick the door down method with my parents. It was ROUGH but it worked. I believed in fighting tooth and nail, yelling, whatever, to get things fized. He was more of a secretive kind of guy. A manipulator and deceitful. They don't need to know the whole truth. Green Kangaroo found out early on in life that when it came down to it, my parents will rather take a sugar coated version of reality than the harsh one. I didn't think that was fair or right. I felt I was lying to them and even though I did a lot of fuct up things I hated lying to them, I hated pretending to be something or someone else. I was extremely uncompromising. And maybe sometimes I was TOO uncompromising- unfairly so. And I see that now, as an older wiser person. But I see that as a flaw of youth. I just can't see why my brother still holds it against me and I guess maybe I never will.