Hopefully this week will be nice and calm enough so that I will be able to enjoy it. I swear I will call the spa tomorrow and I will book myself one of their custom swedish massages WITH aromatherapy for Thursday- the day in which I will turn twenty-five years old. No, no I will most certainly not complain about this quickly approaching change in ages.
Honestly I am quite mystified that I'm turning twenty-five. It sounds so grown up to me. And yes I know it's not. Hardly, right? But I distinctly remember being a young girl with lots of ideas and wonderings and dreamings and twenty-five was most certainly there in a way. It's odd the thing about being young and dreaming about the future. I know that in my head I saw this: I will graduate when I am 17 from my all girls catholic high school. At that point I will enroll in the local university and graduate four years later at the rambunctious age of 21 (the degree with which I'd graduate constantly changed though). At that point I will begin to seek a husband so that I can have a child before I turn 25. I had this big thing in my head where I just HAD to have a child before 25. Anything else just felt too old to me. And so here I am, so very close to that 25. And the reality isn't too off except that according to my calculations I should be graduating with a master's degree any moment now, IF I so desired one, instead of a Bachelor of Arts. The thing is, I never really cared to plan past that point. I think part of it is in a way I never really believe that I would live to see those things. I always thought I would die young which I have found to be a very popular feeling among people. It seems a lot of people actually do feel that they will in fact die young. That's strange isn't it?
And now I guess I can look to the future but in a weird way I don't really want to. Not because of anything really it just seems so hazy. With school, marriage, and the first child out of the way, I just feel like there really aren't any other solid goals to build that future on. Which isn't a sad thing. Please don't make that mistake. It's quite liberating really to not be thinking "By the time I turn 35 I want this and that and the other to have taken place." I really don't care what happens or doesn't happen up to that point. Ok yes of course I wish for the obvious things- healthy marriage to continue, happy healthy child(ren?), and a house (ok that's ONE solid concrete goal but still).
One of the silly things that preoccupies my mind these rare moments where I am thinking is "What would my 16 year old self think of my 24-almost-25 year old self?" I wonder if many people play that game. It's kind of fun. I think she'd be happy with the guy I married and she'd adore M and be super relieved that yes I did have him before 25. I think she'd be horrified I did it before getting married. No, that's not right. Not horrified because it's a bad thing but it was my biggest fear when I was younger. So I think she'd just be shocked and nervous and totally curious how THAT ordeal went. I think she'd love my job and be thrilled I have it. I think she'd be bummed I don't own a house yet because my credit sucks. She'd approve of my friends most probably and be thrilled that Z and I are still close as can be. She might be completely confused by my taste in music overall but happy that I still listen to some of the stuff she jams to. I don't think she'd be very fond of half of my wardrobe although you never know. I just remember being very much anti-skirts and preppiness (not that I do much of either but I own it and I like it now which is a big difference). She'd love my belly ring. She'd tease me endlessly for scrapbooking but deep down totally get why I do it. I think really the biggest thing that would have her all freaked out is my being pregnant before married, only eight months into a relationship, and then marrying that man. For a long, long, long time (especially when I was like 19 and 20) I swore vehemently to myself that should I ever screw up so badly that I found myself pregnant and unable to convince myself to have an abortion, I would absolutely positively NOT marry the guy for a very long time if at all. So you see, my younger self, I would think, would just be totally fixated on that fact and I wonder if she'd even notice all of the other things. Oh, and she would not believe me at all if I told her I actually have a really nice relationship with my parents. Especially combined with the whole wedlock issue.
It's... fun to look back (or inside even) at that younger you. The one who knew, in my case, nine years' worth of information less than I know now and would probably be convinced she knew me better than I did. I was very much the same back then and yet so different as well. I clearly remember adoring playing the role of the counselor, or psychiatrist. I always had advice. I always knew what was best-- for me and for others. And yes ok so some times I still get stubborn and stick to my guns but I've pretty much given up on others. I might know what's best for them (and by this I mean convince myself I know what's best for them) but I don't tell them anymore. And when they ask me, I don't just gush it out even I actually try and see if maybe they'll come to the same opinion as me or maybe they'll figure something else out that makes more sense than my own theory. It happens.
I think my biggest piece of advice to myself would have been "You learn A LOT when you really listen."
