2006-02-06 - 5:24 p.m. : I'll be gone till August
I can't get over what a mess this pregnancy has made of me. Physically and mostly emotionally. The only person I really and truly want to, crave to, talk to is J. And it's not that I'm mad at everyone else or frustrated with everyone else or disappointed or anything with anyone else, I just feel completely and totally disconnected. From absolutely everyone and everything. And I don't want people reaching out to me. I don't want to hear a drop of concern in anyone's voice. I don't want anyone asking me if they have done anything wrong. It's completely bizarre and very unlike me to an extent.

And the thing is, I feel like a really bad person for feeling this and yet I know that this is strictly something out of my control. And maybe that plays a role in how I feel. Because I feel so out of control, I really don't want anybody around me because I don't like people seeing me not in control. I like being in control and when I feel I'm not, I shy away from the situation or people or everything. And you know how when you feel crappy and you talk to someone about it, EVERYONE has advice on what you should do and not do to get over it?? That's the absolute, very last thing I want.

It really doesn't help that physically I'm mess too and it makes me unbearably cranky. There is always something wrong- mostly several things wrong. My back has been hurting incredibly bad lately. My headaches come and go. My stomach is upset 90% of the time. And again, you don't want to see people when you feel sick. So if you feel sick every damn day, then it's every day you don't want to see people. Maybe I expect too much some times but really all I want right now is absolute nothingness. And I hope this feeling ends soon but I doubt it. It's only gotten worse and let's be real, the worst of the physical ailments haven't even started. I just feel like this is something I won't really be able to get to deal with until life is stable and let's face it-- life won't be stable until the house is bought and the mortgage settled and the apartment packed and moved and the townhouse moved into and the nursery set and really the baby born and then everyone gets used to everything. I'm thinking maybe by August, things will begin to normalize for me. And honestly? That doesn't seem very far away to me at all.

0 of you have had really deep thoughts
last * next
Waiting 4 Sadie - 2006-05-30
Do Over - 2006-05-02
An end and a beginning - 2006-04-22
Brain Bun - 2006-04-11
What Dreams May Come - 2006-04-04

The American Red Cross