2006-05-02 - 2:44 a.m. : Do Over
Today sucks. It's that simple. I just hate days like today. Days when I'm sensitive to anything. Days when I cry over and over and over again. Days when I yell at my kid because I'm so hurt and upset and don't have any other way of unleashing.

I've had these plans to open this online store and I read a post by some girl offering a group of people I'd planned on advertising to a chance to buy at cost from her. It just ruined my day. I mean really it destroyed it. I just felt like all of my planning and preparation was for nothing, that I'd missed out on the opportunity. And I just started cleaning up around here and Mario kept asking to help me and I just kept saying to please leave me alone and he wouldn't. And we just started yelling at each other. And then he said, "But Mommy I'm a happy helper." And I felt like total, complete, utter shit. Where's the rewind button when you need it? Really?

I know this is hormones at work. I know this is all chemicals and whatnot firing and not firing and whatever but it doesn't help me. Jay's just fed up with my crap attitude and how can I blame him?

You know how some times you want to do nothing more than have a really good cry? And then there are the times where no matter how much you cry you still feel like crap. That's me today. I want to sob and weep and just get it all out of me- this vile blackness, this vomit or whatever. I cannot imagine living like this day in, day out with no end in sight. I also really and truly cannot recall experiencing this with my other pregnancy. Has time just smoothed away those painful experiences? I don't understand. I remember feeling more unstable after Mario was born. In those weeks of hazy insanity right after we brought him home. I was so completely overwhelmed. And I definitely got hit hard when the time came to stop nursing him. So that'd be post-partum depression and post-weaning but in the mild sense- I know this. Just enough to shock me with its strength but not enough to overtake me.

I want so much to disconnect and yet feel selfish doing that. Like I want a day alone but I don't. Does that make sense?

Sadie's doing some dance on my bladder and is trying to sneak the pee out of me. This is her play time.

0 of you have had really deep thoughts
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Waiting 4 Sadie - 2006-05-30
Do Over - 2006-05-02
An end and a beginning - 2006-04-22
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