I'm sad today. Or maybe I have been sad lately and today I'm just honing in on it. Maybe this wretched cold triggered it. I just feel isolated lately. Apart from everyone. I go through this every once in a while. It bothers me more lately because it is happening even with my husband. It never used to happen with him really- he was the only one on my level when everyone else was on some insane planet. But he has said things lately that make me sad and make me want to be alone- they make me want to not be next to him. Tonight he told me, just as we were heading off to bed, that I was annoying him tonight. I turned right around, went to the couch, and finished reading The Little Prince for what must be the millionth time and I let it make me cry for what must be the millionth time. And I still have not mustered enough will to go into the bedroom and climb into the bed next to him and fall asleep soundly. This is the second night I have chosen the couch over the bed- for a little while. It is the third time in a week or so. I never spend the whole night on the couch. The first time I fell asleep and was woken by M crying. Last night, I slept lightly and tired of being uncomfortable and went to bed grudginly. Tonight, I'm just killing time typing my thoughts and using the excuse I am waiting to hear from my parents that they have arrived safely in San Francisco and that they're hotel is quite lovely and all that.

When was the last time you read The Little Prince? There is a lot in that story. It always makes me cry in the end even though I am pretty sure I am not supposed to. But I do. I think I would have liked to meet Antoine. I think if someone were to ask me right this moment what dead person I would like to meet I would say Antoine de Saint-Euxpery. I think he might have been very interesting. But he slips my mind. He and the little prince. But when I remember the book, it overwhelms me and I always have to read it and I always have to cry and I always have to tell other people about it and insist they read it and wait for no one to do just that. I often think what the little prince's opinion of me would be and I'm often embarassed to admit he probably would not be very impressed by me at all. I often think most people aren't impressed with me at all really. Except for people close to me but they wouldn't be close to me if they weren't impressed by me.

I feel like everything I say and everything I do is one big facade- except I don't think there's anything beneath it all.