Today was a bad day. Today was a very unstable day for me. I don't like days like today. My eyes teared up so many times today and not because of sappiness but because of frayed nerves. My tears today were little parts of me giving way, crumbling under insane pressure. Last night I sat until 4:30 in the morning reading Coleridge's "Dejection: An Ode" and analyzing it and explaining it outloud to myself and truly grasping the poem and so happy I was getting it and I went to bed confident with my ideas and I knew I had a paper. Today, I had to miss my final day of Shakespeare. I did not get to attend any of my professor's lectures on Measure for Measure. This saddens me a whole lot. I have two papers and two finals to go but I am actually breathing. I have Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. Today though, was too close. I didn't really get around to writing my paper until 12:15. And M was clinging on me and pulling on me wanting to climb me. And I had to keep getting creative with distractions. But he kept coming back to me. Which sounds nice, I know. But when you're really stressed and minutes fly by because you need to sit your son in a high chair and give him paper and coloring pencils, it's frustrating. The breaking point was when he got tired of coloring in his high chair. I put him down with his toys. He wanted me instead. I realized he was really really really smelly. More minutes. I took him to change his diaper and he threw a fit. Of course he did. He decided to throw a fit when his diaper was LOADED with mustard poop. It wasn't just loaded it was coated onto his usually cute butt. And so as I am trying to whipe him he pulls some demonically clever move and manages to whipe his butt on my arm. I lost it. I screamed at him. I was holding back the crying. I was trying to keep his foot out of the dirty diaper. I was trying to keep his butt off the changing pad cover. I was trying to keep his hands from scratching his butt. It was a mess. I was so mad at him and so mad at myself.
I insisted J come and take him to my grandmother's for me. It was the only shot I had at getting the paper done. And it worked. I was only 15 minutes late to class. So I'm done with Romanticism.
On the way home that night I asked J to please come home early because I really needed to get out of the house. Thankfully, he complied. He's learned a good deal and when I say I need to get out, he has learned it's really best for the three of us. So I did more Christmas shopping which made me feel better until I got my period while eating at Johnny Rockets on the other side of the mall from my car and I realized I was in cream cords. *sigh*
But it's ok. I sat down and watched some Dead Like Me and then I sat down to do this:

I want to get back to it I really do.
I think M is getting a cold. He's sleeping fitfully and when I went in last I snuck him some Tylenol. His nose was all icky sounding. But I got to hold him for a while and watch him sleep. He looks like his Daddy when he sleeps with those cheeks all cute and chubbed out. But I can't help and wonder what things will be like with him as he grows. With so much love, comes such a potential to hurt!!
My living room is sickening right now.
What should I do tomorrow? I need to exchange some pajamas at Old Navy- but not the one across the street the one that's farther away. I have to do some type of work. I have to go to the post office.
I bought Christmas pajamas for me and J today. Mario already has his. I want the cute Christmas morning pictures. That's not cheesy that is just good scrapbooking.